When parents can't agree

Why agreement matters

Reaching agreement yourselves – rather than having a judge decide – usually produces better outcomes because:

You know your children best. A judge who meets your family briefly can’t understand your children’s needs like you do.

Agreed arrangements are more likely to work. Solutions you’ve both bought into are easier to follow than ones imposed on you.

It’s less harmful for children. Court proceedings are stressful and can take months, prolonging uncertainty for everyone.

It’s cheaper and faster. Court is expensive even without solicitors, and cases typically take around 10 months.

It preserves your co-parenting relationship. Adversarial court battles can create bitterness that makes future cooperation harder.

Options before court

Keep talking

Sometimes initial discussions fail because emotions are running too high. It may be worth:

• Taking a break and trying again when things have calmed down
• Communicating in writing instead of face-to-face
• Focusing on one issue at a time rather than trying to resolve everything at once
• Asking what’s really important to the other person and genuinely listening

Family mediation

A mediator is a trained neutral professional who helps you have productive conversations and find solutions. Mediation works well for most families because:

• You stay in control of the outcome
• It’s much faster than court
• It’s significantly cheaper
• It teaches communication skills for future co-parenting
• The £500 government voucher makes it affordable

Before applying to court, you’ll usually need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) anyway, so you might as well give mediation a proper try.

Solicitor negotiation

If direct communication is too difficult, solicitors can negotiate on your behalf. This is more formal than mediation and can be useful when:

• There are complex legal issues
• One person has more power or resources than the other
• You need legal advice alongside negotiation

The downside is cost – solicitor negotiations can become expensive if they drag on.

Collaborative law

In collaborative law, each parent has their own solicitor, but everyone commits to resolving matters without going to court. If court becomes necessary, you have to find new solicitors – which creates a strong incentive to reach agreement.

This works well for complex situations where you want legal support but prefer a cooperative approach.

Family arbitration

An arbitrator is a private judge who makes decisions that are binding on both parents. It’s faster than court and you can choose an arbitrator with relevant expertise.

Arbitration suits parents who can’t agree but want someone else to decide without the delays and formality of court.

When court is necessary

Sometimes court really is the only option:

Safety concerns – if you believe your child is at risk of harm with the other parent, you may need urgent court intervention.

Complete refusal to engage – if your ex-partner won’t discuss arrangements, respond to contact attempts, or attend mediation.

Parental alienation – if your child is being turned against you and all other attempts to address this have failed.

Urgent decisions – if your ex-partner is about to do something harmful (like remove the child from the country) and you need a court order to prevent it.

Fundamental disagreement – if you’ve genuinely tried every other option and can’t find common ground on important issues.

Applying to court

If you decide court is necessary:

1. Attend a MIAM (or confirm you’re exempt)
2. Complete form C100 – the application for a child arrangements order
3. Pay the £232 fee (fee help may be available)
4. Submit your application

The court will then:

• Carry out safeguarding checks through Cafcass
• List a first hearing
• Try to help you reach agreement at that hearing
• If necessary, give directions for further proceedings

The process typically takes around 10 months from application to final order, though urgent matters can be dealt with more quickly.

What the court considers

When deciding arrangements for children, the court uses the “welfare checklist”:

• The child’s physical, emotional, and educational needs
• The likely effect of any change in circumstances
• The child’s age, sex, background, and relevant characteristics
• Any harm the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering
• How capable each parent is of meeting the child’s needs
• The range of powers available to the court
• The child’s wishes and feelings (considering their age and understanding)

The child’s welfare is paramount. Courts aren’t interested in what’s fair to parents – only what’s best for children.

What courts don’t like

Courts take a dim view of parents who:

• Refuse to try mediation without good reason
• Make applications over minor issues
• Use court to punish or control the other parent
• Make false allegations
• Involve children in adult conflict
• Repeatedly breach orders or refuse to comply

This behaviour can count against you when the court makes its decisions.

Representing yourself

Many parents handle child arrangements cases without solicitors. If you’re thinking about this:

Advantages:

• Significant cost savings
• Direct control over your case
• Courts are used to unrepresented parties

Challenges:

• Court procedures can be confusing
• It’s emotionally difficult to argue your own case
• If the other parent has a solicitor, there’s an imbalance

Legal aid may be available if there’s been domestic abuse or child protection concerns. Even if you’re not eligible, a one-off consultation with a solicitor can help you understand your position.

Emergency situations

If your child is in immediate danger, don’t wait for standard court processes. You can:

• Apply for an emergency court order (without notice to the other parent if necessary)
• Contact police if there’s immediate risk
• Seek legal advice urgently

Courts can act very quickly when children’s safety is at stake.

Moving forward

Whether you resolve things through mediation, negotiation, or court, at some point you’ll have arrangements in place. From then on:

• Focus on making the arrangements work
• Don’t relitigate old arguments
• Build on any cooperation you’ve achieved
• Remember that your children’s needs will change over time
• Be willing to revisit arrangements when circumstances genuinely change

The goal is to create a stable foundation for your children’s lives – however you get there.