Co-parenting effectively

What makes co-parenting work

Effective co-parenting isn’t about being friends with your ex-partner – it’s about being business-like colleagues with a shared goal: your children’s wellbeing.

The key ingredients are:

Consistent communication – sharing information about the children’s lives, health, education, and needs.

Mutual respect – treating each other courteously, even when you disagree.

Flexibility – being willing to accommodate reasonable requests and adjust when life doesn’t go to plan.

Boundaries – keeping your relationship focused on parenting and not letting old grievances interfere.

Child-centred thinking – always asking “what’s best for the children?” rather than “what do I want?”

Communication strategies

Keep it focused on the children

Limit your communications to parenting matters. You don’t need to discuss your personal lives, rehash the past, or maintain the kind of relationship you had when you were together.

Stick to:

• Scheduling and logistics
• Children’s health and medical needs
• School matters
• Activities and social events
• Concerns about the children’s behaviour or wellbeing

Choose the right method

Different communication methods work for different situations:

Text or messaging apps – good for quick logistics (“I’ll be 10 minutes late for pickup”)

Email – better for longer discussions or when you want a written record

Phone calls – useful for urgent matters or when tone is important

Co-parenting apps – purpose-built tools like OurFamilyWizard that keep all communications in one place and can reduce conflict

Face-to-face – necessary for some discussions, but keep them brief and child-focused

Manage difficult conversations

If direct communication tends to escalate into arguments:

• Use written communication instead of verbal
• Stick to facts, not emotions
• Don’t respond immediately when you’re upset
• Use a mediator for particularly contentious issues
• Consider a co-parenting app that flags hostile language

What to share

Both parents should be kept informed about:

• Medical appointments and health changes
• School events, reports, and concerns
• Changes to activities or friendships
• Significant incidents or upsets
• Upcoming events the other parent might want to attend

Being consistent across homes

Children adapt best when there’s reasonable consistency between their two homes. This doesn’t mean everything has to be identical, but try to align on:

Big-picture rules

• Bedtime routines (even if exact times differ slightly)
• Homework expectations
• Screen time limits
• Discipline approaches
• House rules around respect and behaviour

Health and wellbeing

• Medical care and medication
• Diet (especially if there are allergies or health conditions)
• Sleep needs
• Activity levels

Education

• Homework support
• Attitude towards school
• Attending parents’ evenings and school events

It’s okay for some things to be different at each home. Children can understand that Mum’s house and Dad’s house have their own ways of doing things. But major inconsistencies – like one parent allowing things the other considers harmful – create confusion and can be exploited.

Handling disagreements

Pick your battles

Not every difference of opinion needs to become a conflict. Ask yourself:

• Is this genuinely important for my children’s wellbeing?
• Or is it about control, winning, or proving a point?

Save your energy for things that really matter and let minor irritations go.

Focus on solutions

When you do need to address an issue:

• Describe the problem factually, without blame
• Explain why you’re concerned
• Propose a solution
• Listen to their perspective
• Look for compromise

“I’ve noticed the kids are exhausted on Monday mornings. Could we try an earlier bedtime on Sunday nights?” works better than “You always let them stay up too late and it’s ruining their week.”

Use third parties when needed

If you can’t resolve something between yourselves:

• Mediation can help find solutions
• Parenting coordinators specialise in high-conflict co-parenting
• In extreme cases, the court can decide specific issues

Don’t use children as leverage

Never:

• Withhold contact because you’re unhappy about something else
• Refuse to pay maintenance because of a parenting dispute
• Use children to punish or manipulate your ex-partner

These are separate issues. Mixing them hurts your children.

Managing transitions

Handovers between homes are often when conflicts flare up. Make them smoother by:

Being punctual – respect each other’s time. If you’re running late, let them know.

Keeping goodbyes brief – lingering farewells can make it harder for children to transition.

Staying positive – smile, be pleasant, and avoid tense body language even if you’re feeling difficult emotions.

Not using handovers for difficult conversations – save contentious discussions for another time.

Giving children time to adjust – they may need a settling-in period after arriving at each home.

Not interrogating children – resist the urge to pump them for information about the other household.

Supporting your children’s relationship with their other parent

Your children love both their parents. Even if your ex-partner hurt you deeply, your children need to maintain their relationship with them (unless there are safety concerns).

This means:

• Speaking positively (or at least neutrally) about the other parent
• Encouraging contact when children are with you
• Not making children feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent
• Sharing children’s achievements and news
• Facilitating attendance at important events in the other parent’s life
• Welcoming items (like photos or gifts) from the other home

When children sense they have permission to love both parents, they feel more secure.

When co-parenting is really hard

Some situations make standard co-parenting advice difficult to apply:

High conflict

If every interaction becomes a battle:

• Minimise direct contact
• Communicate in writing only
• Use a co-parenting app
• Consider parallel parenting (each running their own household with minimal interaction)
• Get professional help

Domestic abuse history

You’re not expected to co-parent cooperatively with someone who abused you. Focus on:

• Your safety and your children’s safety
• Clear boundaries
• Communication through solicitors or third parties if needed
• Following any court orders about contact arrangements

Your ex-partner doesn’t engage

If your ex-partner is unreliable, uncommitted, or absent:

• Focus on what you can control
• Be honest with your children (age-appropriately) about disappointments
• Don’t make excuses for them
• Help children maintain their sense of self-worth regardless

Disagreement about parenting values

If you have fundamentally different views on raising children, you may need to:

• Accept that you can’t control what happens in the other home
• Focus on providing stability and values in your own home
• Address only the issues that genuinely affect children’s welfare
• Let go of things that are different but not harmful

Taking care of yourself

Co-parenting is emotionally demanding. You’ll be more effective if you:

• Process your own feelings about the separation (through therapy, friends, support groups)
• Maintain your own identity beyond being a parent
• Build a support network
• Take breaks when you need them
• Be patient with yourself when you get things wrong

Good co-parenting is a skill that develops over time. Even difficult relationships can improve as emotions settle and routines become established.