Helping children cope

How children are affected

Children’s reactions to their parents’ separation vary widely. Some common responses include:

Sadness and grief – mourning the loss of their family as they knew it, missing the absent parent, feeling tearful.

Anxiety and worry – concerns about the future, fear of further changes, worry about each parent’s wellbeing.

Anger – directed at one or both parents, siblings, friends, or the situation itself.

Confusion – struggling to understand why this is happening, mixed feelings about both parents.

Guilt – believing they caused the separation or could have prevented it.

Relief – sometimes, especially if there was conflict at home, children feel relieved when tension reduces.

Regression – younger children may revert to earlier behaviours like bedwetting, thumb-sucking, or clinginess.

These reactions are normal and usually temporary. With consistent support, most children adjust to their new circumstances within a couple of years.

What helps children adjust

Research consistently shows that certain factors help children cope better with parental separation:

Good relationships with both parents

Children do best when they can maintain loving, supportive relationships with both mum and dad. Unless there are safety concerns, encourage your child’s bond with your ex-partner, even if that’s difficult for you.

Protection from conflict

Parental conflict is the single biggest factor affecting children’s wellbeing during separation. Children who witness arguments, hear parents criticise each other, or get caught in the middle suffer more than those whose parents manage their differences privately.

Stability and routine

Predictability helps children feel secure. Try to maintain familiar routines around meals, bedtimes, school, and activities. If change is unavoidable, prepare children in advance and introduce changes gradually.

Open communication

Children need space to express their feelings without judgement. Listen to their concerns, validate their emotions, and answer their questions honestly (while keeping adult details private).

Quality parenting

Children need parents who remain present, attentive, and emotionally available. Separation is exhausting, but try not to let your own struggles prevent you from being the parent your children need.

Practical ways to support your children

Create a safe space for feelings

Let children know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. You might say:

• “It’s completely normal to feel upset about this”
• “You can talk to me whenever you want”
• “There are no wrong feelings”

Don’t try to fix or minimise their emotions. Simply listening and acknowledging is often what they need most.

Keep routines consistent

Where possible, maintain:

• Regular bedtimes and morning routines
• Mealtimes and family rituals
• School attendance and homework patterns
• Extracurricular activities
• Time with friends and extended family

If children move between two homes, try to have similar rules and expectations in both places.

Make transitions easier

Handovers between parents can be emotional flashpoints. Help by:

• Keeping goodbyes brief and positive
• Not asking children about the other parent’s life
• Allowing time to settle after they arrive
• Having comfort items (toys, photos) available at both homes
• Letting children take meaningful belongings between houses

Support relationships with both parents

• Speak positively about your ex-partner (or at least neutrally)
• Encourage phone or video calls when children are with you
• Share photos, school work, and news with the other parent
• Never make children feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent
• Avoid interrogating children about what happens at the other home

Look after yourself

You can’t support your children effectively if you’re running on empty. Make time for:

• Your own emotional support (friends, family, counselling)
• Rest and basic self-care
• Activities that restore your energy
• Processing your own feelings away from the children

Warning signs to watch for

While some distress is normal, certain signs suggest a child may need extra support:

Persistent symptoms lasting more than a few weeks:

• Ongoing sadness or tearfulness
• Withdrawal from friends and activities
• Significant changes in eating or sleeping
• Declining school performance
• Loss of interest in things they used to enjoy

More serious concerns:

• Talk of hurting themselves or wishing they were dead
• Extreme anxiety or panic attacks
• Aggressive or destructive behaviour
• Persistent physical symptoms without medical cause
• Substance use (in older children)
• Complete withdrawal from one parent

If you’re worried about your child’s mental health, speak to:

• Your GP
• The school’s pastoral team or counsellor
• CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) – via GP referral
• Childline (for children to call themselves): 0800 1111

Age-specific guidance

Babies and toddlers (0-3)

Very young children won’t understand the separation but will sense changes in routine and parental stress. They need:

• Consistent caregiving routines
• Physical comfort and closeness
• Familiar objects and environments
• Patient handling of any regression

Pre-schoolers (3-5)

At this age, children may think they caused the separation or that it’s temporary. They need:

• Simple, concrete explanations
• Reassurance that both parents love them
• Extra patience with behavioural changes
• Consistent, predictable routines

Primary school age (6-11)

Children this age understand more but may feel intensely sad or angry. They need:

• Permission to express their feelings
• Honest answers to their questions
• Reassurance about practical concerns
• Help maintaining friendships and activities

Teenagers (12-18)

Adolescents may seem to cope well or may react strongly. They need:

• Respect for their growing independence
• Honest conversation without oversharing
• Protection from being caught in the middle
• Support to maintain their own life and relationships

What to avoid

Research and experience show that these behaviours harm children:

Using children as messengers – “Tell your father he needs to pay the maintenance” puts children in impossible positions.

Criticising the other parent – “Your mother never thinks about anyone but herself” makes children feel torn and disloyal.

Pumping children for information – “What did Dad say about me?” turns children into spies.

Showing excessive distress – While it’s okay to acknowledge you’re sad, children shouldn’t feel responsible for your emotional wellbeing.

Making children choose – “Would you rather live with me or your father?” is an unfair burden for a child.

Discussing adult matters – Details about affairs, finances, or legal disputes should be kept between adults.

Sudden changes – Major decisions like moving house or changing schools should be communicated gently and with plenty of notice.

When both parents are struggling

Sometimes both parents are so overwhelmed by their own emotions that neither can fully support the children. If this is your situation:

• Acknowledge it honestly (to yourself, if not to the children)
• Rally other supportive adults – grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends
• Consider family therapy to help everyone cope together
• Focus on just getting through each day
• Remember that things will get easier with time

Children are remarkably resilient when they have at least one stable, loving adult in their corner. You don’t have to be perfect – you just have to be there.